The Hardest Thing
by EllieBelle
Summary: Sam doesn't want to live anymore. He just CAN'T go on. A sort of sequel to Unconventional Hero, but you don't have to read the other one first.


The Hardest Thing

**Disclaimer: **I SO do not own _Supernatural_, the characters, the plots, or anything else. Wish I did. I also do not own "Heroes" by Shinedown.

**A/N: **I realize this is only my second fan fic and that so far I have only done song fics. I just seem to get inspired when listening to awesome music. _Italics indicate song lyrics. _

_Stare in wonder, who's here to bring you down_

_Find your martyr, I'm sure you made the crown_

_So light a fire under my bones_

_So when I die for you at least I'll die alone_

Gone. He's really gone. All my life only one thing was a constant. Dean. I mean, I never knew Mom. You can't really miss something you never knew. And, Dad had always been my drill sergeant. Whether he was home or not, it never mattered. On some level, Dad was always gone. And I could never reach him, never wanted to.

My "normal" college life was temporary. Even Jess. I believed she'd always be there, we'd always be together. How quickly things change! She was never going to be a permanent fixture in my life, no matter how much I wanted it.

But, Dean was. I could always turn to Dean, no matter what. Not anymore. He was really, truly gone. And I was lost. And alone. Confused. Depressed. All I could think was it was my fault. If I had done something differently, if I had tried harder, he might still be alive. If I had done more in the time we had. There was so much I should have told him, still needed to. I never showed him how much I truly appreciated him, respected him, _loved _him. Understood. That would have meant more to him than anything – understanding.

Now I had nothing to live for. Dean and Dad were both dead. All I had was anger. And rage. Pure unadulterated hate. Dean had died killing the Demon – it was what he had wanted. But I had never wanted anything less.

I was going to kill every last evil entity that crossed my path. Even if it killed me. And I hoped it would. I prayed to God the pain would end soon. The most I could hope for was the fact I wouldn't become what I hunted. I suppose Kylie could have salted and burned my bones, if necessary.

Luckily, my death wouldn't cause anyone pain. An odd thing to be thankful for as it meant I was totally alone. But, I was happy my end wouldn't make anyone feel the way I felt now. Of course, Dean would hate this suicidal plan of mine. I blame him, though. If he were here … it doesn't matter. Wishing never changed a thing.

_Ain't nothing for me to end up like this_

_There's no comparing me this time_

_All my heroes have now become ghosts_

_Sold their sorrows to the ones who paid the most_

_All my heroes are dead and gone_

_But, they're inside of me, they still live on_

Ultimately, I suppose, Dean will never die. He lives on in me. And, a little piece of him lives on in every person he ever met. Every person he ever saved. Every person he ever loved and who ever loved him back. He's still my hero. I still want to make him proud.

But, more than anything, I want to be free. Guilt is a horrible feeling. Pain only magnifies it one hundred percent. I don't plan on letting those things ruin my life. I don't plan on becoming an alcoholic like Dad. I don't plan on developing some hero-complex like Dean. I plan on going out with a bang.

_Dark devotion in a beacon paradise_

_Shows no emotion to the willing sacrifice_

_You can put a man on trial, but you can't make the guilty pay_

_You can cage an animal, but you can't take away the rage_

If I know one thing, it's that you can never trust a spirit. Seems like common sense, right? Apparently not. I had read this article about some deaths down in Phoenix, Arizona. Sounds like a Wendigo. So, I head out there. I'm pretty sure I can trust this thing to take me out. But, after a while, the Wendigo's dead and I'm the walking wounded. I do the only thing I can think to do. I call Kylie.

I suppose I could have put a bullet between my eyes. But I wasn't about to. I'm not too scared. At this point, nothing scares me anymore. Not since I lost Dean. The simple truth is, it's hard to shake training. And I had always been told suicide was cowardly. It was taking the easy way out. There was no honor in that. Honestly, I still wanted Dean's approval. So, I figured I could wait. Another day wouldn't kill me.

_Ain't nothing for me to end up like this  
There's no comparing me this time_

_All my heroes have now become ghosts_

_Sold their sorrows to the ones who paid the most_

_All my heroes are dead and gone_

_But, they're inside of me, they still live on_

Kylie is horrified. And angry. Just what I expected. She sets my left arm; it's broken in two places. Well, she sets it after she pops it back into place. Then, she stitches me up in a few places and bandages some ribs. Makes me lie down and take some Advil. Then, she starts yelling.

"Sam, you can't throw your life away like this!"

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't searching for a reason to live. But, none just sounded good enough. Plus, I was stubborn. If she thought I was going to be easy to talk out of this, she had another thought coming.

"I can and I will."

"Dean would not want this for you! You're killing him all over again!" Kylie shouted.

"You don't understand! How could you?" I snapped. I immediately felt horrible. I knew I had gone too far. Kylie grew silent. I heard her take a few slow, shaky breaths to compose herself. When I was brave enough to look her in the eyes again, I saw she was crying. In a much softer tone, she continued.

"I love your brother, Sam." Kylie quickly caught her improper use of tense and corrected herself tearfully. "Loved. I knew him in a way you didn't." I began to interrupt, but Kylie held up a hand to silence me. "You'll always carry Dean with you. So will I. And as long as we remember, he'll never die."

"I know, Kylie, but it's so hard!" I was sobbing with her now.

She sat beside me on the couch and stroked my hair like I was a little boy. I didn't care. It was a sweet gesture. "I know it is."

"How do you do it? Live, I mean?"

She sighed and thought for a long moment. "It's hard." She paused and thought carefully about her words and continued stroking my head. "Some days I'll wake up and only think about Dean two or three times. Other days, I wake up and all I see is Dean. Those are good days and bad days. I have so many happy memories with him, it's good to remember them, but that makes him easier to miss, doesn't it?"

"Yes," I sniffed. "But, some things…"

"Dean forgave you, you know," Kylie interrupted.

"What?"

"I know you worry about the way you treated Dean. But, he forgave you for leaving. In fact, he was proud. He was proud of the man you were, Sam."

"I owe that man to Dean."

"I know. I'm sure he's still proud of you."

"Kylie –"

Kylie stopped stroking my hair and stood up, interrupting me. "Dean and I had our baggage, too. He left me, remember? I was no angel myself. But, I don't dwell on that. He was the love of my life. That's all that matters to me."

"I don't want to live like this." The sorrow was being replaced by the anger in my voice again.

"Sam, dying for someone is easy. It's the living that's the hard part."

"Don't I know it," I groused.

"No, I don't think you do."

"What…"

"Don't you love Dean enough to live for him?" Kylie began getting angry again as well. "I do," she answered softly.

"That doesn't make it easier, Kylie."

"Life _is_ the hardest thing, Sam."

"I just…I miss him…"

"Nothing changes that. Believe me, nothing can. Make Dean proud." Kylie had affected a more soothing tone again. I could see she had a point, but it was so hard. It felt like she was asking me to climb Mt. Everest in twenty minutes naked. Only this was harder.

"He's dead! How do I…"

"Don't cheat him, Sam! Don't let his memory die with you! Doesn't Dean deserve to have his story told? Don't other people need to hear about that amazing man?" Kylie was crying again by now. "Don't you cheat him, Sam!"

_All my heroes have now become ghosts_

_Sold their sorrows to the ones who paid the most_

_All my heroes are dead and gone_

_But, they're inside of me, they still live on_

What Kylie said really shook me up. Knocked some sense into me. I still miss him more than anything. I still need a hero. But, I'm not going to cheat Dean out of his story. He deserves to be remembered. He deserves a lot more, but this is all I can give him. And it's barely enough. Because the pain isn't worth it…almost.

My brother lived for me and died for me. The least I can do is return the favor. After all, life is the hardest thing. And I've always been an over-achiever. A perfectionist. Life won't know what hit it.

Six Moths Later

Kylie sat at her kitchen table. She opened and read a letter she had just received. The contents made her smile. It was the first time in a while she had smiled.

_Life is the hardest thing!_

There was no doubt who had written it. Kylie didn't have to worry. Sam was going to make her proud. He'd make Dean proud too. All in all, this is the story of a life saved. But, more importantly, it's a story about the one that was lost. And proof that no one would ever forget him. Kylie smiled to herself again.


End file.
